


I'm sorry

by Faceless_Dude



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Chimera Ant Arc, English is my second language, Gen, Obvious Ending, Pitou is sorry, genderless Pitou, no Gon-san
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2020-09-29 16:16:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20438885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faceless_Dude/pseuds/Faceless_Dude
Summary: Pitou wanted to say: «I’m sorry but for the sake of my King I must kill you,»And yet, Pitou said nothing in strange unexplainable fear of making the most terrible mistake in the entire existence





	1. They were sorry

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work on english so i will be very gratefull if you let me to know about any mistakes.
> 
> * Pitou is "they"
> 
> Will be more chapters since i decided to write short story.

**_\- I’m sorry, Gon, but he’s already dead._**

That was a short moment - and yet so long – for Pitou to witness how the light of determination leaves their enemy’s eyes. The child threatening them just a moment ago now crumbles on his knees, looks at his friend’s corpse desperately, unbelieving. Few words, just a small deadly true is enough to break, to crash, to paralyze, to take away the fight spirit from someone so dangerous!..

**«_That is_ what could happen with King if i…»**

_Failed._ They failed their enemy – not their King – but still heart aches as if it their own young silently cried in front of them not listening their explaining about what is possible to bring back and what is not.

**«I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,» **\- for some reason is blowing in their head and with it, still: **«This child is dangerous. This filthy human young is too dangerous for my dearest King!..»**

Yet the small human didn’t do anything dangerous besides crying.

They wanted to say: **«I’m sorry but for the sake of my King I must kill you,» **\- more to themselves then to the boy – _Gon is his name, right?_ – who obviously can’t hear now anything that is not his internal misery. And yet, they said nothing in strange unexplainable fear of making the most terrible mistake in their entire existence. Instead they stabbed their sharp claws right in the child’s chest. A short wheeze – and with soft thump the small body fell on the side.

**«Now there’s one problem less»**

Silence was singing as air and ground kept it in all their might and in only for them known sorrow so only the crackling of candles flame reminded Neferpitou that time haven’t stop yet.

Should they bring the boy’s – _Gon was his name, right? _– brain to the King? Or should they eat it themselves in hope to become at least little bit stronger then now – _to protect, to serve, to be worthy_…

The child’s golden eyes were directed towards the long hair man’s corpse but looked into _nothing_. For the moment Pitou saw the glimpse of life into them – **«Damn, is he still alive?!»** \- kneeled beside him, leaned closer… And sighed: glimpse was coming from remained tears.

They stretched out their palm to the small human’s head – **«How tasty his brain should be?»** \- only to stroke his spiky black hair gently, apologizing.

**\- I’m sorry, Gon, but it had to be done.** \- Another human young, the white haired one, was coming – Pitou could feel him – and was coming he_ pretty fast_. They should hurry. – **Yet I believe that I did you a favor by ending your misery and sending you right to your friend.**

They lowered their palm to his eyes, touched his lids and put down.

It’s time to get back to the King.

**«The humans perform strange rituals to give funeral honors to their dead,** \- Pitou thought while running. **– If the white young would prefer burying his friend before following me I can get to the King right in ti-**

-

-

The human scream, full of pain and despair, was caught by Pitou’s sensitive ears.

The time has slowed down.


	2. He was running

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua finds Gon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really sorry (lol) for such rare and small updates.  
Still asking to show me my mistakes if you find them - that will help me to improve my english.  
Thank you)

He was running.

** _\- HurryHurryINeedToHurryIfIWon’tThenGonWill -_ **

_Gon will what?_

He was running faster then he have ever could.

Running and running, shining with lightning, chasing the light of his friend.

Hoping it wasn’t _too late._

“**Wait for me, Gon, please just wait!..”**

He was running out of time.

But he could almost see that dearest light, almost feel its murderously beautiful heat, could chase it forever till the end of eternity and – oh God! – how wanted he to get there in time!

But his light was slipping away in the void, slipping at full light speed, and there was no thing faster than light. Godspeed? What a joke.

_\- How pathetic_, – whispered one of his inner demons, the one that weared Illumi’s cold voice.

**\- Shut up,** – hissed Killua in answer.

**“Gon, wait for me”**

He was idiot. He knew there was no way to save Kite – then why, WHY didn’t he tell Gon! He would hurt him indeed, but Gon was strong. Gon _is_ strong and –

_– Oh, is he?_ – **SHUT UP!**

and Gon could bear the truth with the time and Killua’s help.

Instead he was nursing contagious hope that would turn in the spear to stab Gon’s fragile and gold little heart.

Killing his little world in the tiny glass orb filled with water and shiny snow glitter.

**“Please!!!”**

Gon could wait. Pitou _would not._

**“FUCK!”**

He was running as fast as his light ever could, yet the void was too strong, and the dearest light of his was too feeble and tired to struggle.

But Killua was close? Oh so close!

Rushing through halls, screaming the name-

** _\- GON!_ **

the same name as always. The name that only the unwelcoming room with the fireless candles could hear.

He rushed in the dark room and _saw_.

The world was no more.


	3. He was beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shaiapouf was dying.

They followed the scent of the King.

Theirs thoughts were chained with uneasiness – guilty, and filthy, and dizzy, and-

  


**“That filthy child, that filthy young, how could human’s death affect me so much?!”**

**  
**

The glimpse of near-death aura caught their attention. They could recognize it, they definitely could if not their ridiculous thoughts, their unreal and ignorant wishes; t_oo human desires._

They wish bringing child’s small body to King. Laying it gently before his feet. Asking if there’s the way to revive it as Ant. Knowing that answer is **_no._**

** _  
_ **

**WhyHowNoThat’sImpossibleHowDareI**

**  
**

Trying to comfort him as if he could feel it.

  


**“Stop thinking that way”**

**  
**

** _“Please, bring Kite back!”_ **

**\- Go find him yourself! – **they almost screamed. - **Please, just rest in peace already…**

**\- I wish but I can’t**, - the voices sounded in unison and then became one. **– Not yet.**

They stood and reaction was slow.

  


**\- POUF?!**

**  
**

And slow was the timerun.

Today was a beautiful night, after all.

_So quiet and starry, so shiny and gentle_, the both Royal Guards thought at the moment.

_The dying one smiled._

  


Shaiapouf used to be beautiful. In his beauty and glory he flew, and just like one of the prettiest butterflies, he waved with his colorful wings through the brightest and darkest of skies.

And just like any of most fragile insects, in his death agony he was laying crushed and squeezed, twitching spasmodic limbs, trembling almost insensitive antennae. Bleeding with nasty blue liquids. Trying to die with the most dramatic end, yet knowing, that there’s no way.

Such a pity.

Pitou could see well enough. But there was enough of deaths for today, they desided. Too much for such brightful kind night.

  


_Sing Your lullaby of silence to that child, hold him with Your gentle darkest hands, show him endless dreams so full of stars, let him sleep forever in the piece… Then please set me free away of guilt that I shouldn’t even feel at all._

_  
_

Pouf somehow understood, what kind of thoughts disturbed his companion.

**\- Pitou…** \- he whispered faintly. – **G-go to the King…**

**\- I will, I will! – **the Cat Ant quickly answered. - **Let me save you first, please!**

**  
**

Doctor Blythe started work wordlessly, as always. As if she loved that night as much as Neferpitou could love; _could, could and **never did.**_

They felt the cold and sharp clutches of fear, aiming to get their heart – just like they did to Gon – they tried to ignore it! The child’s weak voice, full of pain and misery, was speaking and speaking, and Pitou were close to the point of letting their tears out.

**\- Please, stop it…** \- they whispered.

**\- W-what d-did you… s… s-say?.. **

**\- Nothing, Pouf, nothing, please don’t waste your strength yet!**

Pouf only laughed weakly.

  


They kept their silence for like seemed to be hours, and then Shaiapouf spoke:

**\- You know… Looks like His Majesty decided to let humans live. He no longer desires our dominance. – **Pitou smiled.

**\- Unpredictable as always, this King of ours, Nyow? I wonder if-**

**\- So you’re healing someone again, huh**? – spoke young and merciless voice right behind them, too cold for that beautiful night. -

  


  


  


** **

** _– That won’t save you this time._ **


	4. He was waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He found himself in a body of little girl.

He didn’t know what kind of events he was waiting for.

All those news of newborn war, all those messages of victims, all those tearful announcements of victory – all of those things just ran through him like a wild and fickle spring wind.

He listened and witnessed with awareness of old tired man he thought he have always been – and sighed, and breathed heavily. Yet in this new and… _alien_ body all of this weariness have turned into little girl’s boredom. All the tears, all the spilled blood, all the human morals – all of it suddenly lost its importance. He wondered _why. _

He had visitors every day. They started annoying him.

Yet here he is, waits and awaits, sighs and plays with those boring toys, stares in the window at grass and the clouds.

_Why_, anyone could wonder.

He sighs again and keeps staring in window.

\- **Kite**, - someone whispers behind him. – **Is that you?**

And then he suddenly knows what he was waiting for all this time.

**\- Is that really you?.**.

He knows _who_ he was waiting for. Smiling, he turns around.

**\- Well, hello there, Killua**, – The white haired boy smiles weakly before him. – **How have you been?**

**\- So you’re really alive…** \- the young Zoldyck shakes his head lightly, still smiling. **– You son of the bitch!..**

Kite hummed: he used to hear these words too often. Yet this time something is so much different: there’s no joy in Killua’s smile; only a sorrow, tiredness, pain and… disappointment? Kite’s not sure.

\- **You bastard**... – said the child in a raspy, almost soundless whisper. –** I Wish you were always dead!..**

Kite didn’t even flinch.

Killua wanted to cry as loud as his vocal hoards were able to, but simply couldn’t find any strength for that. All the strength was whipped out with tears when he held limp broken body in his trembling arms, caressed wild dark green hair, begged and begged to stop fooling him, to wake up already…

And all that for what? For healing the person that didn’t need healing all along?

**“Kite, what have you done?** – he thought. – **Why did you meet Gon in the first place, told him about his father?”**  
Gon could've be never searching Ging. Gon could've stay home! Gon could've be alive and warm and still shiny and-

** _“Happy”_ **

He bites his trembling lip; fists clenched. The girl before him stands speechless, watches with purple orbs penetrating the soul.

  
\- **Gon?**.. - Kite asked quietly, and only now he noticed, how small and fragile his voice actually was.   
**\- Gon**, - Killua rasped, nodding lightly, cramping on knees. – **I failed, Kite. I failed to save him.**

**\- We should probably tell to Ging-san**, - Kite whispered as quiet as boy. He’s no longer a man but a tiny young girl, he realized finally. Killua let out a pained laugh.

**\- He knows.**

** _He simply don’t care._ **

The cold sensation hit the Ant’s little heart; unwelcoming feeling, yet not even close to hurting.

**\- I’m sorry, **– Kite breathed out.

Killua laughed loudly; when the laughter died down, he growled with the full newborn rage:

**\- For the love of a God, Kite, don’t lie!**

**\- I didn't-**

He realized that _he did_.


	5. They were cleaning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ablution.

-** Few days have passed, and still no signs of decomposition onset. Any signs of rigor mortis?**

**\- No,** \- Killua answered dully. Kite hummed while pouring water in the plastic basin.

** \- That’s really strange... As if he died just a moment ago. **

The Zoldyck pauses while watching the small naked body under the blanket laying on the table before him. He needs to let out a heavy sigh before speaking.

**\- Looks like Pitou did to him the same thing he did to yo-, um, your previous body. At least that thing didn’t mutilate him as much as you, - **if leave out of mention a big ugly hole in his chest, washed by tears and stitched by shaking hands of Leorio.

The said boy knocked shyly and went to the cabinet with the bunch of white clothes. Kite nodded at the corner table and set a full filed basin before the one with the corpse.

**\- Do you want me to join you, Killua?**

**\- Kite’s here, don’t worry. Better help those, who needs you right now.**

**“You need me right now,” **– Leorio wants to say. Instead, with a heavy short nod and pathetic smile, he walks out of that sickly clean prison.

_Because he can’t help, no matter how much he wants to._

**\- Well, shall we? – **Kite wets sponges.

**\- “No, I can’t do this,” **– Killua wishes to say, yet silently nods, taking one sponge from his companion.

Because he _have to,_ he have to give ablution to his dear dead friend, to prepare the body before transporting to Whale Island for funeral.

Kite takes out the blanket, revealing the pale motionless boy. Killua stares at him, wanders his gaze over every feature of sleeping-like face, stops it at still chest with a visible ribs and ugly injury. An alien sight, oh so alien… Yet, -

_Who should do this if not him?_

They start from boy’s back. Killua’s afraid to look, afraid to see if there’s any cadaveric spots. There’s only a few – and Killua can’t decide, rather he should thank Pitou for their nen-ability or curse them for previous crimes. Kite did the most of the work here, so Killua can turn the body back on the first position.

They wash every inch of Gon’s skin with a gentleness of an old tired nurse taking care of weak and young patient.

_These stupid young nurses._

If Killua just left all the work to them, they would definitely do something terribly wrong, something… disrespectful!.. Last time one of them wanted to strip Gon with the scissors – oh how mad Killua was!

**_“What the hell are you doing?! That’s my friend! – _**he yelled back then, driving her away.**_ –_** **_He should be undressed as a person, not as something disgusting!!!”_**

** **

He cleaned Gon’s limp hand from small traces of dried blood, then squeezed it, trying to warm up. Never it felt more fragile than now.

**\- You still blame me, - **Kite said quietly, yet every word clinks loud in the silence so dead that Killua wants to vomit. He lays Gon’s hand as carefully as it was a porcelain doll’s.

**\- I do**, - he finally answered, when they start washing the boy’s greenish hair. – **I blame you, I blame Ging, I blame Pitou, I even blame Gon and Mito!.. But more than anyone I blame _myself_.**

**\- You should stop doing that.**

**\- It is not for you to tell me what to do, - **he never washed Gon’s hair before. If he even ever wanted, it’s would be definitely not that occasion. Fuck this all.

\- **But you should. He wouldn't want this.**

\- **He's gone anyway**, - why, _why_ these words can be spoken so easy when they hurt much more than a dagger laced with an acid?

**\- You don't know that,** – Kite speaks confidently while wiping Gon’s hair with a shabby blue towel.

**\- I think I do, – **if Gon was here, he wouldn’t felt so cold and lonely. He wouldn’t be scared.

Kite says nothing, setting a fresh white clothes smelling with a soap-powder. The last clothes Gon will ever wear.

His tank top and green shorts were covered in a great amount of dirty-brown blood. And Killua didn't even try to wash it: no matter how hard he tried, Gon would always be much better at laundry.

One time Killua smashed a whole dinner table of fatty food at Gon's ridiculously green clothes – **_“Finally he will have to buy new ones,”_** – Gon cleaned it somehow. They were perfectly clean and brightfully green – **_"What the hell?!"_** – Killua failed again!

Every cut, every hole Gon sewed and sewed. And if the clothes became too short, he just ripped out the tread on the seam, bent the edge less than it was and sewed again.

He was sewing and washing, drying and ironing, caring if it was not some old cloth but a person... And just like a person, the costume was growing with its owner.

And the owner is dead now, so there's no way it going be washed or sewed - and there's no way for Killua to give it back to Mito. There's only one thing that is more cruel.

_To give Gon back to Mito._

How the hell he will even tell her about Gon?! How can he look in her eyes?..

They dressed Gon’s body as a person, not as something disgusting.

These white hospital shirt and pants were too large for him – obviously for adults; the belt zone tightened and the hospital badge removed by the nurse just like Killua asked, so the clothes sit on the body lightly and freely – Killua could imagine it fluttering in the wind.

Killua could almost imagine Gon running and laughing, calling to play with him in the forest – living Gon would look so pretty in these closes!

Dead Gon looked disgusting.

His hair, dried and clean, frame his pale peaceful face with a heavy lids and bluish lips, lay softly and do not stand as spiky as it were during his life anymore.

_In any other situation Killua would joke that Gon has a wild animal’s fur on his head._

There’s no shine of wild green, only a blackness of night sky. _This is so wrong,_ Killua thinks, caressing boy’s head.

**“Gon shouldn’t be like this”**

He doesn’t even notice that Kite had left a long time ago – just seats and thinks, tries to find any words to speak and fails to do so. Gon keeps silent as well.

**\- You know,** – the white haired boy finally says. – **I have always kept hope that one day I would be brave enough to introduce you to the one little member of my family that deserves that…**

Suddenly, he feels something.

Something weak and pathetic, yet warm and giving a strength.

_A hope._


	6. She was smiling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- Whould you like to see my friend?

That was a nice feeling – carrying someone so warm and breathing. Holding gently, knowing that you’re _protecting _and not just transporting somethi-, someone cold and breathless, motionless and so, _so dead_ – someone _too late_ to protect.

It really feels so wonderful to carry someone _alive_.

He was running at Godspeed, and his sister was smiling, amazed.

If only Gon had a chance to see this ability – he would probably yell in his adoration, asking to carry him too, _or to teach him, or to spar at speed_ or **– “Goddamn, Gon, stop trying to overrun me, dumbass!” –** that would be so normal, so annoying, so embarrassing-

so _perfect._

Alluka was smiling. Gon couldn’t.

**“But he probably will, if there’s a chance,”** – a little one, an insignificant chance is enough.

Illumi, and Father, and probably others – he was tired of listening – told him that this is _insane_.

Hisoka wouldn’t agree. Not after snooping in the cabinet with Gon’s body. Touching it with _these dirty hands - _**“Get off him, you moron!”** – despite Killua’s protests, smiling vigorously and staring, _staring_ with the eyes of the desperate carnivore. Once he looked in Killua’s, the latter found himself wishing a blindness. Or ripping Hisoka’s eyes out; yet the first thing was so much easier.

That angry gaze of psycho, lacing with poison, burning with malicious fire-

Condemning.

  
** _\- Who did this?.._ **  
  


Killua couldn’t give him a proper answer – every single one would end in disaster and someone’s death, - but at least he could be honest.

**_\- I’m going to fix this, - _**_and there’s no way back,_ Killua decided. His potential murderer stared speechless.

Then grinned.

** _“So you better help me to keep that promise, Gon”_ **

**“And this time you better wait”**

Alluka was smiling.

She knew that her beloved big brother was tortured by uneasy and heavy thoughts; yet she also knew that he would tell her in right time – so then she would be able to help him. And if she couldn’t – then Nanika would definitely!

Killua remembered his Father’s – and Illumi’s – words…

_This is insane_, they told.

_Better think twice_ – yet he thought numerously.

**“Better stop before it’s too late,**” – but it already is.

**“There’s no way for the dead to turn back,”** – and he completely agrees.

However, Gon could still be_ there._

Trapped in a perfectly preserved yet still dead vessel – a horrible fate and a great opportunity: the tiniest hope is the greatest one.

There’s no way for Killua to let it rot in the dirt.

If he fails – then he fails and lives with the consequences of his failure; if he’s lucky – he saves Gon from the void.

If the Phantom Troup were right about death limitation of nen,-

If Kite was right about the afterline-

Then all that is needed – just a _single miracle_-

**\- Killua,** – came the voice of _Something_. – **Where are we heading?**

**\- We’re going to see one good person,** – answered Killua. Nanika smiled.

So did Alluka.

The room was still white; so was the blanket.

_So are the funny big clothes_, he thinks somewhy. Alluka looks at _everything_ with the awe and widens her curious eyes when Killua revealing a face of resting boy.

**\- This is my friend, Alluka,** – he speaks softly. – **My best friend in the whole world.**

Alluka comes closer, watches every inch of the boys’s face; touches it shyly – and smiles.

  
**\- He’s so pretty!** \- she finaly says, brushing Gon’s pale cheeck. – **Not as much as Big brother though.**  
\- **You say that cause you didn't see him laughing**!  
**\- Noooo, Big brother’s laugh is the prettiest one too!** – Killua couldn’t help but chuckle lightly. – **Nanika likes him too,** – He finally smiled.

**\- Of course she does.**

Killua keeps silent for a long time, watching his sister caressing Gon’s head gently.

_Waiting for her conclusion._

  
**\- Looks like he’s lost,** \- she said at last, and that’s was _all_ Killua needed to hear.  
**\- Yea... Can you help him to find a way back?**

Nanika smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was obvious, hehe.  
I think the last chapter;s gonna be the longest.


End file.
